I’ve always
looked, but never said a Word. I’ve been always listening, but my mind spoke in
a language that nobody would understand. This was the first time.
I used to be a
very silent kid, usually everybody pointed out how shy I was. I used to isolate
myself, not because I liked having no friends, but because nobody would ever
understand me better than myself. Maybe it was the fear of what others would
say, or of being wrong. It might have possibly been as well the fear of the
“why” that comes after telling someone your reasons for something. I am afraid
of questions and not being able to answer them, so I’ve been always better on
my own. Of course this was all before “the big day”. The day in which I chose
to do something I thought of without last minute regrets. It was that day which
marked the rest of them and until now I don’t regret it at all.
I love watching
people everywhere, I get sometimes very distracted and my teachers get mad at
me. The point is that I see problems everywhere, they overwhelm me, but
confidence never sees me. I have never had that little part of me; deep inside
to tell me, “go for it” or “what if?” There are more than a hundred things that
annoyed me and couldn’t stop. At least I write them all down in a notebook I
always carry with me.
It was in that
moment, when my pen stopped working. There was no more ink left since I wrote
tons of things per day which scared me to react to. I had to be quick and
silent so that nobody could hear my footsteps and realize I was there. Mum and
dad were still fighting, they hadn’t gotten a clue I was there, but if it
weren’t for those marvels on the floor, those tiny balls of glass. I fell. As
my body hit the floor and grandma´s photograph fell from the night table beside
me, all sound stopped. There was no more shouting, nothing but the noise of my
breath. I closed my eyes and stood up. I walked to the door that separated my
parents from me and took a deep breath. My hand, placed in the cold metal that
would help me open the door. I felt as if I was frozen, my whole body immobilized
Somehow the door
opened and mum peeped out to see if it was clear. A tension like a charge of
electricity filled the room. I stuttered for a while, until I saw mum full of
bruises. It hadn’t been the first time, but it made me lose my fear.
“What is wrong
with you? What is it now? Is it that you forgot your reports from work today
and you were told off and had a bad day and that’s why you go around blaming
everybody except from you? Oh right! That was last week. Tell me dad, what is
it today? Is it that you blame mum for getting pregnant again? I may look like
a shy fourteen year old who doesn’t think too much, but believe me, I do. I am
tired of noticing everybody´s problems and not being able to do anything, but
after all though I know they should figure solutions out for themselves, I
can´t keep their problems out of my mind! It isn’t my fault that because of my
birth you broke economically! It wasn’t my fault that because our dog looks
scary it scared Mrs. Honeymoon´s cat and that he escaped a week ago and doesn’t
give a sign of coming back! It isn’t my
fault that because I think too much I cant sleep at nights, or that because
whenever I see a problem I have to write it down ! or how the kitchen sink is
broken and the sound of the drops falling makes me nervous so I cant be
there! And the worst thing of all is
that I cannot even say a word about it because nobody would ever understand!
What if I kill myself so that you debts aren’t that bad? Of course not, you
would have to pay a funeral! What if I
tell Mrs. Honeymoon that our dog was the one who scared her cat, Mr. Pickles,
who she´s been crying and worrying for, and that I do know that he´s not that
far away from her place, he´s just scared to go down the tree he jumped on,
which I can see right through my bedroom´s window, because of the water
everywhere from the storm! She would hate me for knowing and not telling her!
What about my teacher? If I told her that I can’t sleep well because I think
too much at nights and that the only thing that keeps me awake is everything
that surrounds me except for her class, would cause me to get a visit to the
principal´s office! Or how can I explain you that the only reason of why I am
here is that my pen´s ink, the one I use to write the problems I am afraid of
confronting, run out and that my intention wasn´t to tell you all this but to
get a new pen?” I said with my cheeks covered in fear. I took a deep breath. My
parents were as pale as snow as if they had seen a ghost, so I continued.
“Nobody would
understand me, right?” I said hoping for an answer. “Nobody would ever
understand neither of my thoughts nor feelings, because nobody is aware of my
existence” I left the room with a slam on the door and went to bed. That night
I couldn´t sleep either. Thoughts conquered my mind. Words didn’t seem enough
to explain what I felt, but what I didn´t know was that they did understand me,
I wasn´t alone.
Mum and dad
tried to give me more attention, only by asking me about my day, sending me to
a psychologist, surrounding me by people who would only mumble words that made
no sense to me or that didn’t seem relevant at all.
I was surrounded
by tons of school partners as soon as my parents talked to the school about “my
problem”. Anyway, nobody could understand me the way I did, and even though
they were there I felt as if I was on my own.
Maybe someday
someone will understand me, or I might end alone for my questions about
everything, but I’d rather be alone with myself.
Lucia Miri
Echavarria
I am not asking you to kill somebody, that is a good type of conformity. I am encouraging you to think for yourselves, you are not just an individual in the world. Make yourself remembered. Lets not live in a world where we claim not being equal, when all of us follow the same shepherd. Lets be our own shepherds, but whilst teaching others what thinking for yourself really is.
